Does your partner pen the birthday card for your pops, pick and paper the holiday gifts for the kiddos, pester you about making plans with your recently-dumped pal? Do they play the unofficial role of your therapist, life coach, and social secretary? Hate to break it to you, my friend, but you might be mankept.
Mankeeping is a relatively new term for the often-invisible emotional, relational, and logistical labor that people do to maintain their male partner's social and emotional lives, says Jesse Kahn, LCSW, CST, a queer sex therapist and director of The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York City.
The term was coined by developmental and social psychologist Angelica Ferrara, PhD, to describe the work women, specifically, do to meet the social and emotional needs of their men. And yes, mankeeping tends to happen most often in heterosexual relationships, according to Khan, "but similar patterns can show up in any gendered dynamic where one partner quietly manages the other's emotional and social world."
At first glance, being mankept can seem like a pretty good deal for guys, says Rufus Spann, PhD, sex therapist and founder of Libido Health. Your social calendar is full, the birthday cards get written, everything is taken care of, including yourself. But dig deeper, and a darker picture emerges—one where mankeeping not only erodes the health of your romantic relationship and your partner's well-being, but also your other relationships, resilience, and health over time, Spann says.
The Difference Between Emotional Support and Mankeeping
Wait, isn't a partner supposed to be supportive? Fair question. Yes, a partner should provide emotional support and care. Arguably, any partnership without those things will be unfulfilling at best and abusive at worst. The difference between emotionally-supportive relationships and those marred by mankeeping lies in the reciprocity, recognition, and duration, says mental health expert and relationship coach Jaime Bronstein, LCSW, the resident therapist at Dating.com.
In a healthy relationship, both people take on relatively equal amounts of emotional labor by initiating check-ins, repairing conflict, remembering what matters, and showing up when the other needs support. In relationships shaped by mankeeping, however, one partner—most often the woman—ends up doing the bulk of the planning, remembering, and repairing, while the other becomes a largely passive recipient, Bronstein says. To add insult to inactivity, that labor passes without thanks. "Everything your partner does goes unnoticed, unnamed, unappreciated, and taken for granted," she says.
The duration of the dynamic can also shift the scales. Most long-term partnerships go through seasons when one partner temporarily shoulders the heavier load, due to a health issue, grief, or significant life transition, says Kahn. That’s totally fine. This imbalance only becomes a sign of mankeeping when it stays the norm for months and even years, he says.
Often, Men are Raised to be Mankept
It's understandable if the term ‘mankeeping’ kinda pisses you off. Being described as ‘kept’ runs counter to what we're taught men should be: capable, self-reliant, and emotionally contained. Ironically, those very ideals are part of what sets men up to be mankept in the first place.
In Western cultures, gendered ideas about care and emotional expression shape what kinds of connections are considered acceptable for men, says Kahn: "Men are often socialized to see emotional closeness as feminine, which can make cultivating intimate friendships feel risky or even shameful."
As a result, many boys grow up without being taught the skills required to build and maintain close relationships. In fact, research suggests that by young adulthood, men tend to lag behind women in relationship maintenance skills, in part because these behaviors have historically been coded as feminine and therefore deprioritized for boys, says relationship therapist Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC, author of Self-Care of Black Men.
Those gaps, of course, only widen with age. "Many men enter adulthood with limited experience developing intimacy and an incomplete understanding of the ongoing investment most meaningful friendships require," says Carbello. As a result, many men invest much of the relationship-building skills and energy they do have into romantic and/or sexual partnership. Then, they rely on that partner to manage their familial relationships and friendships for them.
"Cultural norms frequently position women and femme-presenting people as default emotional caretakers, which further reinforces the idea that relational maintenance simply isn't a man's responsibility," says Kahn, which normalizes the work of mankeeping across the board.
Why Mankeeping is Bad for Your Health
Stronger interpersonal relationships have long been linked with better mental and physical health. "Largely, this is because they offer connection, mutual care, and a sense of belonging," says Khan. In fact, research published in The American Journal of Psychiatry found that friendships function as a buffer against depression and isolation, which Khan notes have been linked to higher rates of chronic illness and early mortality.
"Friendships have also been shown to help protect cognitive function, as well as aid in the management of stress," says Carabello. And men have the most to gain from the health benefits of friendship, he adds, as they are generally at greater risk for conditions like cardiovascular disease and high blood pressure.
Here's the catch: You won't fully reap those benefits if someone else is doing the work of maintaining those friendships for you, says Khan, because they are a byproduct of doing care, not just receiving it.
Over time, being a passive participant in your friendships and family life can quietly contribute to the loneliness many men report feeling, even while partnered, says Khan. "In this way, mankeeping can contribute to the chronic isolation many men experience."
How Mankeeping Can Ruin Your Relationship
Of course, the consequences of mankeeping don't start and stop with your platonic relationships—being mankept can slowly degrade your romantic relationship(s) as well.
"Anyone who is doing mankeeping for a partner can experience burnout and resentment because this work is often invisible, undervalued, and rarely reciprocated," says Khan. When this emotional labor isn't discussed and mutually agreed upon—and it is rarely in situations where a mankeeping dynamic is at play—it can create an imbalance that, over time, can cause a chasm in the relationship, they say.
Commonly, partners become frustrated, emotionally withdrawn, and may even question the relationship itself, says Khan. And often, this resentment from a lack of reciprocation and/or recognition, leads to increased conflict in the home.
On the flip side, some women entrenched in a mankeeping dynamic even deprioritize their own needs to keep their man happy, Carabello says. Many misogynistic, heterosexist cultures teach women that pleasing their partner is their number one goal, which encourages women to mankeep in such a way that forsakes their own emotional well-being. Here, the consequences to your partner can be even more dire, leading to emotional burnout, loss of self, and low mood, says Kahn.
How to Tell if You're Being Mankept
Figuring out whether mankeeping is part of your relationships starts with honest self-reflection and open conversations with your partner about who is actually handling the emotional, logistical, or relational labor of your lives.
Take a beat to take stock of the relationships in your life, suggests Kahn. Ask yourself:
- Do I rely on my partner to initiate or maintain my social calendar?
- Who remembers the birthdays, milestones, celebrations, and family obligations in my life?
- Would my social life continue if my partner stopped holding it together?
- Do I ever wish I felt closer to my network—or feel guilty for not reaching out more regularly?
- When something hard happens, who could I call? Who celebrates my wins with me?
While self-reflection is an important starting point, it's rarely enough on its own, says Spann. Because mankeeping often takes the form of quiet, feminized labor—and because of how men are socialized around care and emotional responsibility—many men don't recognize the dynamic while it's happening, he says. And that’s why inviting your partner into the conversation is so important.
"Open and honest communication about how each partner is feeling and identifying where someone is overwhelmed with the maintenance of life work can go a long way in identifying if mankeeping is at play," says Carabello. Keep in mind that while one conversation can help, regular check-ins are more effective at supporting balance long-term, says Bronstein. Weekly or monthly check-ins create space to notice imbalances early and adjust before resentment sets in, she says.
How to Stop Mankeeping in its Tracks
Realizing that mankeeping is silently sabotaging your relationship sucks—but fixing things doesn't necessarily require a life overhaul. Instead, simply focus on strengthening your own relational muscles while reducing the load on your partner.
Start by acknowledging the work your partner does that you've historically missed—buying holiday gifts, making the dish brought to the potluck, reminding you to call various relatives. "Showing appreciation and gratitude for the work your partner is doing is important," says Khan. To be clear: That doesn't mean a one-time thanks out of obligation. Instead, consider briefly reflecting at the end of each day on the ways your partner has supported your social or emotional life—and then recognizing the impact of that out loud, they say.
Better yet, acknowledge the ways your partner's care has lightened your load, and take initiative to reduce theirs. Whether it's by filling up their gas tank, planning dinner one night, or handling a family chore they usually manage, pairing recognition with reciprocation can help show you genuinely care about them as much as they do about you.
From there, take responsibility for your own friendships and family responsibilities, says Kahn. In practice, that might mean scheduling check-in calls with your sister, picking up the host gift before a dinner party, or even planning a group golf trip.
You can also take a more active role in your joint social life by managing the shared calendar, initiating plans, and organizing the logistics of the next group get-together (i.e., making the reservation, coordinating who is bringing what to the party, and communicating time and location) so the work doesn't fall on your partner by default.
Beyond just taking on the planning and logistics of friendships, it's also essential to deepen those relationships. Intentionally building emotional closeness with people other than your partner helps ensure that your partner isn't your sole emotional outlet, says Carabello. Whether that's going in for a handshake or a hug more often, or initiating deeper conversations about financial woes, family tension, or work burnout, these moments of vulnerability can actually help reduce stress—ultimately, supporting your individual and relational well-being over time.
If building yourself a wider support network feels overwhelming, consider working with a therapist. They'll be able to help you understand the unique cultural, gender, and social influences that shaped these patterns, and also help you build those skills in a supportive way.
Meet the Experts
- Jesse Kahn, LCSW, CST, is a AASECT-certified queer sex therapist and director of The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York City.
- Rufus Spann, PhD, is an AASECT-certified sex therapist and founder of Libido Health, a digital sexual health and wellness company.
- Jaime Bronstein, LCSW, is a mental health expert, relationship coach, and the resident therapist at Dating.com.
- Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC, is a relationship therapist and author of Self-Care of Black Men.
Gabrielle Kassel (she/her) is a sex and fitness journalist committed to helping people feel the best they can in their bodies. In addition to Men’s Health, her work has appeared in publications such as Shape, Cosmopolitan, Well+Good, Health, Self, Women’s Health, Greatist, and more! In her free time, Gabrielle can be found coaching CrossFit, reviewing pleasure products, hiking with her border collie, or recording episodes of the podcast she co-hosts called Bad In Bed. Follow her on Instagram @Gabriellekassel.
