9 Places You Should Never Stick Your Penis
Take it from these men who all learned the hard way
Last week a British man got his penis stuck in a plastic water bottle and had to call firefighters to come pull it out, according to The Sun. The guy reportedly sought inspiration from Fifty Shades Of Grey when attempting his kinky stunt, which makes us at least a little curious to read the books, since all this time we thought they were about bondage and stuff, and not some dude trying to stick his dick in a bottle.
This isn’t the first time a man has inserted his schlong somewhere it doesn’t belong, and it definitely won’t be the last. Here are many, many more places you should never put your penis, based on recent history. (And for more unfortunate member mishaps, see the worst things that could happen to your penis.)
A sex toy bottle.
Earlier this year, doctors amputated a 50-year-old Honduran guy’s dick after he got it stuck in a bottle that he was using as a sex toy for 4 straight days, according to the New Zealand Herald. And what exactly happens to your penis after it’s lodged somewhere it shouldn’t be for 4 straight days? It turns black and decays—the result of a condition called necrosis, where cells in the body die.
A sex worker.
In 2016, an old Chinese man died while making love to a prostitute, according to The Sun. Not a bad way to go for the guy, but not a great experience for the woman, as paramedics wheeled him away with his penis still inside her.
A steel pipe.
A British man called emergency services after he managed to jam his Johnson in a steel pipe in 2010. Doctors initially couldn’t operate on him because the restricted blood flow caused a massive boner, per The Frisky, but after seven firefighters, 30 minutes, and one metal grinder, the man’s penis was finally free.
A roll of tape.
In 2015, a 4chan user got his boner stuck inside a roll of tape and asked his message-board friends how to remove the DIY cock ring, according to The Daily Dot. The post was titled, “I can’t lose this boner! I’ve had it for about 20 minutes, WTF do I do?” The kind people of 4chan gave him advice to varying degrees of helpfulness—ranging from “Call an ambulance” to “I legit hope your dick falls off”—but we never did learn what happened to the poor guy, or his poor penis.
A jar of pasta.
An Australian man led police on a car chase after they found him partially clothed with his penis in a pasta jar, according to The Telegraph. The cops seized porn, women’s stockings, and a Jack Russell terrier from the man’s car, and even after the cops captured him, he continued “pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling.” This guy sounds like a solid hang.
A wedding ring.
Last year a South African man couldn’t get his wedding ring off his penis—which ended up there for “erotic reasons on the recommendation of his friends,” according to a Metro report. Doctors tried like hell to remove it the regular way, but they were only successful after they used an orthopedic oscillating saw to cut it off. Some friends you got there, guy.
A park bench.
More than a dozen police and EMS workers tended to a man in Hong Kong whose penis was trapped in the hole of a metal park bench, according to The Daily Telegraph.
The man told police he thought it would be fun to have sex with the bench. Turns out nah.
A toaster.
In 2013, a London man had to call firefighters to extract his penis from a toaster, according to The Huffington Post. Yo, firefighters have seen some shit.
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