9 min readWHEN IT COMES to orgasms, you really can't have too much of a good thing. While some people with vulvas are able to have multiple orgasms fairly easily, it tends to be a bit trickier for the penis-having population, thanks to that pesky refractory period that happens after you ejaculate.
When you come, “the parasympathetic nervous system shuts down as the body relaxes,” says Lee Phillips, LCSW, CST, a psychotherapist and sex and couples therapist in New York. “The brain also releases serotonin, which causes relaxation.”
At the same time, your body and brain also become numb to sexual stimuli. “It is often called the resolution stage of the sexual response system because, after orgasm, the penis returns to a flaccid state and the level of interest in sex usually goes from intense to virtually non-existent,” Phillips says.
This may be annoying, but after a certain amount of time, it’s definitely possible to get aroused again. “Studies have found teenagers can take minutes to recover, while men in their 30 and 40s can take 30 to 60 minutes or longer,” Jamin Brahmbhatt, MD, Urologist at Orlando Health and Assistant Professor at UCF College of Medicine previously told Men’s Health. Besides age, an individual’s refractory period is largely dependent on hormones and overall health.
But for all cisgender men, the refractory period presents an obvious obstacle to achieving multiple orgasms. If only you could orgasm without ejaculating, right? Oh wait, you can!
Here’s the thing: Orgasm and ejaculation are actually two different bodily functions. While they usually function in tandem, an orgasm is actually the release of tension at the height of sexual response, which then (typically) triggers ejaculation, which in turn induces the refractory period.
Experts have identified various ways for cisgender men to orgasm multiple times in a row, including through non-ejaculatory multiple orgasms (NEMO) and prostate orgasms. It just takes practice. Lucky for you, that practice involves masturbation, so this'll probably be the most fun homework you've ever had.
How to Have Non-Ejaculatory Multiple Orgasms (NEMO)
Yes, it’s virtually impossible for cis men to have multiple ejaculatory orgasms with no refractory period, but you can climax several times in a row if you don’t release any semen. These are known as non-ejaculatory multiple orgasms, or NEMO, and each one tends to be smaller and weaker than a standalone load blow. "They’ll be less in intensity, but for some men, having several small orgasms is actually preferable to having one big one," says Jonathan Stegall, MD, founder and president of the Center for Advanced Medicine in Atlanta.
Wanna find your NEMO? Here’s how:
Strengthen your pelvic floor muscles.
“While some men experience multiple orgasms accidentally, others can learn to invite such a reaction,” says Yvonne K. Fulbright, sexologist and author of The Better Sex Guide to Extraordinary Lovemaking. The first step: Controlling your pelvic floor.
You can do this with Kegel exercises, which strengthen the pelvic floor muscles and your ability to control orgasmic and ejaculatory responses in the heat of the moment, Fulbright says. Specifically, your pubococcygeus (PC) muscle—which stretches from the pubic bone to the tailbone—controls ejaculation. If you can keep yourself from ejaculating after an orgasm, you’ll be more likely to skip the refractory period and orgasm again… and again and again.
To get started with Kegel exercises, simply contract the PC muscle as you would when you control the flow of urine as you’re peeing. Hold that muscle contraction for 10 seconds, then release. It’s pretty easy, and you can practice pretty much anywhere (sitting in the car while commuting, on the couch watching TV, etc.).
Suppress ejaculation while masturbating.
Another way men have taught themselves to have multiple orgasms? “By engaging in a lot of masturbatory practice in which they would get to the brink of orgasm, but then prevent ejaculation from occurring, such as by squeezing the penis,” says Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author of Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire. Think of it as ejaculation-focused edging.
The key is to get as close as possible to the “point of no return” without actually reaching it. Relationship guru Dan Savage popularized that term, and it refers to when you reach a point either during sex or masturbation when ejaculation is inevitable. No amount of holding off, pressure, or Kegel squeezes will prevent emission.
When practicing how to become multi-orgasmic, it’s necessary to familiarize yourself with your own point of no return so you can learn how to not cross it. “With enough practice and exercise, these men said that they were ultimately able to have several orgasms when they have sex, with their last one being an ejaculatory orgasm,” Lehmiller says. It’s worth a shot, right?
Try a different position.
If you have a hard time delaying gratification, switching positions during sex can help you control ejaculation and erection.
Try a sex position where you're easily able “to stand up and pull out before you ejaculate,” says Jane Greer, PhD, a marriage and family therapist and author of What About Me?: Stop Selfishness from Ruining Your Relationship. “That way, you can tighten your muscles right before the point of ejaculation, so you can experience orgasm without ejaculation.” If you’re in need of inspo, may we recommend a few standing sex positions?
Focus on your breath.
In The Multi-Orgasmic Man: Sexual Secrets Every Man Should Know, authors Mantak Chia and Douglas Abrams dedicate a large portion of their book to the importance of breathwork.
Deep “belly breathing” or “diaphragm breathing” is key to mitigating ejaculation, according to the authors. When you get close to ejaculating, your breath rate sharply increases as you take short and shallow breaths. This, in turn, also increases your heart rate. Slowing down both will help you better control ejaculation.
To practice belly breathing, sit on a chair with your back straight. Relax your shoulders and place your hands on your stomach. Inhale deeply through your nose, and feel your stomach expand. Your chest should not move. Hold each inhale for at least three seconds, then exhale, and repeat. Get in the habit of doing this type of breathing daily. You can do it at work, while crossing the street, and (especially) when you find yourself stressed. The goal is for belly breathing to become your normal style of breathing.
Now, when you’re in the bedroom, you’ll notice both your breath and heart rate increase. This is when you really want to engage in belly breathing to help slow down your breathing and postpone ejaculation.
How to Have Prostate Orgasms
One of the best ways to experience multiple Os without ejaculation? Getting the prostate involved. The goal is to have a prostate orgasm (or anal orgasm), which is a unique and satisfying sensation that doesn't necessarily include penile ejaculation. In fact, some people with penises can have a prostate orgasm without even being hard.
If you want to climax multiple times in one sex session, you can combine prostate and penile orgasms—or just have multiple prostate orgasms. Here’s how:
Start with solo play.
If you’ve never tried stimulating your prostate before, the best way to begin is by yourself, says Taylor Sparks, an intimacy educator and founder of OrganicLoven.com. “This way, you have immediate information about what you like and dislike, without the need for instructing someone else or concerns about comfort, making the process simpler and more effective.” It’s important to know how your body responds to different sensations and stimulation techniques before bringing a partner into the mix.
Relax the anus.
To do any sort of anal penetration, you need to relax the voluntary muscles in your butt, Dr. Evan Goldstein, DO, founder and CEO of Bespoke Surgical, an anal surgery practice, previously told Men’s Health. And as with NEMO, breathwork and pelvic floor control come into play. Using yoga-style meditative breathing can assist in pelvic floor relaxation, according to Goldstein. Taking big, deep, full-bellied breaths can also help relax the anal opening.
Always use lube.
Lube makes pretty much every sexual experience better, but it’s your best friend with anything anal-related. Use a silicone lubricant, Phillips says, as it has a lot more staying power.
Silicone-based lubes are king, Goldstein previously told MH.
Insert a finger first.
You’re relaxed, lubed up, and ready to put something up your butt. Well, you’re already equipped with the perfect tools: your fingers.
But first, make sure to cut and file your nails. If they’re long or jagged, you can accidentally scratch or tear the inner walls of the rectum. “This will not only be painful, but it can also lead to issues like hemorrhoids or infections,” Goldstein previously told Men’s Health.
Then, insert one finger really, really slowly. “Always be aware of your limitations,” Goldstein said. “No one is counting how many fingers you can take up your bum.” In fact, when you thrust or insert too much too quickly, that can cause tearing, otherwise known as anal fissures, he added.
To make the initial insertion more comfortable, he also suggested “pushing out the pelvic floor,” which will help relax the anal opening. Whatever you do, do not clench. For some, it’s a natural response to having something inside of you, but you need to fight the urge.
Locate the prostate.
The prostate is a walnut-sized gland that you can feel through the front wall of your rectum (toward your belly button), about two inches inside the anus. Gently massage it with your finger, “which will create better nerve stimulation in [the prostate] region,” Goldstein told MH. “The skin in this region is quite thin, so any jerky or sudden moves can cause significant tearing and trauma.”
Head here for more detailed instructions on prostate massage.
Use a prostate massager.
If you’re on your way to becoming a prostate stimulation pro, then you might want to stick something a little more exciting than your finger up there. A prostate massager uses vibration to stimulate the entire area—something even the most dextrous among us can’t do with our human hands.
“The prostate is most easily reached through the rectum, so the best prostate massagers are anal safe sex toys that are long enough to stimulate the prostate, or about 4 or more inches long,” Carol Queen, PhD, a sex educator, staff sexologist at Good Vibes, and author of The Sex & Pleasure Book, previously told Men’s Health. “They also usually have a little bit of a curve at the tip, which enables them to locate and stimulate the prostate more easily.” Our pick? Lelo’s Loki.
Lube is extra important when using anal toys, but keep the silicone-based stuff stashed in your nightstand. If your prostate massager is also made out of silicone (which most are), then silicone-based lube will degrade the material. Instead, opt for a water-based formula. This type of lube tends to be thinner and won’t last nearly as long, so apply generous amounts to your toy and your tush.
Get the penis involved.
Once you have the prostate stim down pat, you can involve the penis. “If you stroke the penis, it can be even more intense,” Phillips says. He suggests teasing the prostate with a toy in tandem with edging the penis to really up the sensation. Just be sure you’re using those deep belly breaths in order to avoid going over the edge. Well, until you’re ready, anyway.
Practice, practice, practice.
If you want to master prostate stimulation, you have to make it a regular part of your masturbation routine.
One More Multiple Orgasm Tip: Check Your T-Levels.
Maybe you don't want to have multiple non-ejaculatory orgasms, but just want to shorten your refractory period. In that case, make sure you have optimal testosterone levels—it'll make your orgasms better, too.
FYI: Normal testosterone levels are between 300 and 1,000 nanograms per deciliter of blood. Signs of low T include fatigue, decreased libido, fat gain, difficulty gaining muscle, mental fogginess, and depression.
"Low T is often thought of as an older man’s problem, but I see it in a significant portion of men in their 20s, 30s, and 40s," Stegall says. "If a lot of guys in their 20s and 30s are honest with themselves, they’re probably dealing with at least some of these issues." Even if your sex drive isn’t particularly low, Stegall advises all cisgender men over 30 to get their T-levels checked with a blood test by a doctor who specializes in anti-aging medicine and hormone replacement therapy.
And if your T-levels aren’t where they should be, don’t stress. A few simple lifestyle changes may be all you need. Low testosterone can be boosted naturally by eating a diet high in proteins and healthy fats, sleeping eight hours a night, and by lifting weights three to six times per week.
Meet the Experts
- Lee Phillips, LCSW, CST, is a psychotherapist and sex and couples therapist in New York.
- Jonathan Stegall, MD, is the founder and president of the Center for Advanced Medicine in Atlanta.
- Yvonne K. Fulbright is a sexologist and author of The Better Sex Guide to Extraordinary Lovemaking.
- Justin Lehmiller, PhD, is a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author of Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire.
- Jane Greer, PhD, is a marriage and family therapist and author of What About Me?: Stop Selfishness from Ruining Your Relationship.
- Taylor Sparks, an intimacy educator and founder of OrganicLoven.com.
Zachary Zane is the author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and co-author of Men’s Health: Best. Sex. Ever. He is currently Grindr’s sex and relationship expert, and his work has been featured in the New York Times, Rolling Stone, Washington Post, Cosmo, GQ, Playboy, and more.
