6 min readREMEMBER WHEN BULLSHITTING with your buddies was fun? Remember no-phone bar debates that lasted hours, yielded no resolutions, and didn’t involve GIFs, memes, or emojis?
Banter ain’t what it used to be, and we’re worse off for it. Science even says so: When researchers studied inactive men who had joined a community sports team, guys identified banter and camaraderie as reasons why they were more likely to stick around and stay active.
That’s probably obvious to Travis and Jason Kelce, the NFL legends who host the banter-filled podcast New Heights and have now released a book, No Dumb Questions, in which they give a master class in shooting the shit.
Here’s a preview of what’s in the book, with insights from the Kelce brothers themselves, on how to boost banter, be it over Slack, in a group chat, or (gasp!) in real life.
Sports Banter
Who do you think would make the best hockey lineup using NFL stars?
TRAVIS: You got to lay down those ground rules, so you know you’re both coming at it from the same angle. Are we talking active or retired players? Are we ranking this list or just throwing them out there? The smallest detail can change your entire thought process, and then you’re out here talking about two entirely different scenarios.
JASON: So any player in history?
TRAVIS: Yep.
JASON: Okay, I think I’m going to go more modern.
TRAVIS: So at center, are we allowed to pick us?
JASON: Oh, I think we avoid us.
TRAVIS: All right.
JASON: Are you going to pick me or…?
TRAVIS: One hundred percent I was going to pick you.
JASON: Oh, thank you.
TRAVIS: But now I’m not.
JASON: Okay, for the sake of the question, everyone could skate. Although my first pick was going to be JJ Watt, just because I know he can skate.
TRAVIS: I was going to go the Watt brothers, and then me and you, and then just put Gronk at goalie because I saw him at goalie.
JASON: Wait, at goalie you saw Gronk?
TRAVIS: Yeah, he did something with the Tampa Bay Lightning, and he was in net for a practice or something like that.
JASON: I’m going at center. I’m going JJ Watt because I feel like he’s an Eric Lindros–type power player. He’s going to back-check hard. He’s going to play a physical game in front of the net.
TRAVIS: Team guy, 100 percent.
JASON: Left wing, going with speed—going Tyreek Hill. He’s going to fly up and down.
TRAVIS: So who else we got?
JASON: I’m going right wing. I got to have a left-handed person because they need to be able to cut to the middle, get a good angle on the net. Mike Vick.
TRAVIS: All right. Yeah. I mean, fuck, you guys are a fast, powerful team right now. Defense?
JASON: I’m going to go Dick Butkus and Ray Lewis to just bring that energy.
TRAVIS: Dick Butkus…
JASON: Just going to bring that energy. Dick Butkus, a lot of toughness.
TRAVIS: Dick Butkus played tight end, I thought.
JASON: No, Dick Butkus played defense, middle linebacker.
TRAVIS: Who am I thinking of?
JASON: You’re thinking of the other Bears coach. Mike Ditka.
TRAVIS: Sorry, Mike. You’re a legend.
JASON: You’re getting your dicks mixed up. What are you doing here, bud?
Food Banter
If you had to rank your favorite cereals, what would your top five be?
JASON: I lose far more often than I win in arguments, just ask my wife. No dumb questions isn’t really about winning an argument, there usually aren’t right answers here, it’s just fun to ponder and try to bring logic to usually illogical queries.
TRAVIS: Man, fifth can’t be a fan favorite. It’s kind of got to be for me just a consistent, always good for me. That’s Apple Jacks, man.
JASON: I was thinking the same lines, but I was even going more basic. And that’s Cheerios.
TRAVIS: They snuck in Frosted Cheerios and fucking completely changed the game.
JASON: What’s your four spot?
TRAVIS: Damn, this is where it gets tight. I have to go Cap’n [Crunch’s] Crunch Berries.
JASON: If I was a child, I would have said the same thing, but I’ve gotten off of Cap’n Crunch Berries as an adult. But it’s very good cereal.
TRAVIS: Dude, so good.
JASON: I have regular Cap’n Crunch at number four. I didn’t know if I wanted to put Cap’n Crunch Berries or Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch in this same spot. I like all three.
TRAVIS: Oh, Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch is so fucking good.
JASON: I’m putting them all at number four. I prefer old-school Cap’n Crunch, even though it does cut the shit out of the roof of your mouth. Three?
TRAVIS: I’m going Lucky Charms. You can’t beat the marshmallows.
JASON: Very solid pick.
TRAVIS: It’s hard for me to keep it at three, but you can’t beat these next two.
JASON: I think we’re going to have some similar ones in the top three, but we’ll find out.
TRAVIS: Well, we grew up in the same house.
JASON: Number three, I got Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Love Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
TRAVIS: It’s got to be on the top five.
JASON: You don’t think it’s in the top five?
TRAVIS: No, it’s got to be. That’s probably my number two.
JASON: Yeah, that’s like the best go-to. We’re just putting milk in this thing and it’s going to be effin’ delicious.
TRAVIS: Effin’ delicious, yeah.
JASON: Yeah, fuckin’ delicious. And as to your Lucky Charms at number three, I have Lucky Charms at number two.
TRAVIS: So we just flopped, we flopped Cap’n Crunch and Lucky Charms.
JASON: I guess so, yeah. So, where are you at? What’s your number two?
TRAVIS: Cap’n Crunch.
JASON: Cap’n Crunch, nice.
TRAVIS: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
JASON: That’s fine. So, two and three for both of us is Lucky Charms, Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Number one, should we say it at the same time? If it’s gonna be the same one?
TRAVIS: It’s 1,000 percent the same one. Three, two, one.
[Simultaneously]
TRAVIS: Reese’s Puffs.
JASON: Reese’s Peanut Butter Puffs.
JASON: Yeeeeeeeeeeah!
TRAVIS: Dude, it’s undefeated, dude.
Banter Banter
How many holes does a straw have?
TRAVIS: We like to say there are no dumb questions. The whole point of it was to give fans a place to just let it rip. Now I’m not saying that we haven’t had some absolutely wild ones, but it’s mostly just a blast seeing what people come up with. It’s crazy the ones that stir up the most debate usually seem the most obvious. Never thought Jason and I would get into it about how many holes a straw has, but that one really got us going.
TRAVIS: It’s just one hole, man.
JASON: I mean, clearly straws have two holes that are connected in the middle.
TRAVIS: Shut the fuck up, you’re ridiculous. You don’t even believe that, you don’t even believe it.
JASON: What? It’s two holes.
TRAVIS: It’s one hole.
JASON: What makes it one hole? That it’s connected?
TRAVIS: No, it’s just one hole. There’s not—
JASON: It goes all the way through.
TRAVIS: Just because it has a start and a finish doesn’t mean it has two holes. It’s one hole.
JASON: So, if you have a hole that’s open and it’s going straight and then it curves to the left, and then you have a hole that continues—
TRAVIS: You’re changing the question.
JASON: What is your definition of a hole?
TRAVIS: A definition of a hole is that there’s a start and a finish to the hole. There’s nothing breaking it or stopping it.
JASON: So, if you have a straw that’s continuous, and then it has four other shooting points to come off of it, that’s all just one hole? Like a groundhog, like an ant hole is just a big old…it’s just one hole.
TRAVIS: One hole.
JASON: Yeah, I think that’s preposterous. It’s ridiculous. I think—
TRAVIS: I think a straw has one hole.
JASON: This is the thing. This is the thing!
TRAVIS: I think an ant farm is something
completely different.
JASON: This is why I hate these types of questions.
TRAVIS: But you changed the entire question!
JASON: This is my problem with these questions. The only reasons they exist is for people to come up with arbitrary definitions. Is a hot dog a sandwich? Would you ever call a fucking hot dog a sandwich?
Paul Kita is a Deputy Editor at Men's Health, where he has covered food, cooking, nutrition, supplements, grooming, tech, travel, and fatherhood at the brand for more than 15 years. He is also the author of two Men's Health cookbooks, Guy Gourmet and A Man, A Pan, A Plan, and the winner of a James Beard Award.
